Hi All,
Just a little update for you all. I am 1.5 days from big chemo dose 4; very nervous, unsure how bad the recovery will be since I am already so tired; but I will make it through! I have been trying to focus on the future more so than now lately, but it is so hard to focus on the future when you have cancer with a 74% survival rate for 5 years. Now I know my odds are good and I will beat this, it is just sometimes the statistics pop into my mind. It makes me cry because I love life. I am trying to figure out the why of this whole thing. Why would God decide to give me Cancer when my life is going so well. I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful job and I was about to try for my first child. I figure there must be some reason I am going through this. A lot of people talk about God to me, that he will see me through this, one person had said that God told her that he had already cured me. It is kind of difficult when people talk to me about God right now. It's not that I do not believe, I do. It's not that I do not love God, I do. I guess it is a lack of trust and/or just down right anger right now. I do not understand God.
In Christianity, God is all the omnis. Omnibenevolent (all good), Omniscient, Omnipotent. In Judaism, we do not necessarily say that God is the omnis, because God is one, she does not have attributes (thank you Maimonides). That being said if you ask a Jew, they will probably say God is the omni's except for maybe omnibenevolent. To me omnibenevolence would mean that things like this Cancer would not happen. Some would say things may not be good for one person but everything that happens is for the greater good. I do not see how this cancer could be for the greater good. Maybe one day I will understand but, right now I do not.
I was at a friends house today laying on the couch and watching a DVD of a priest's talk. He was talking about suffering. He said that through Jesus; God has experienced suffering and walks with us through it. I do not believe that Jesus is God, but maybe God has suffered at some point and can understand; this is something that I need to meditate on and pray about. Perhaps at the very least God has suffered loneliness after all she created the angels and us.
I will end this with a prayer
Hashem (God) help me know that you are with me, that you have not abandoned me. Help me trust in you even though I am angry. Please allow me to grow old with my husband and if you could throw in a baby or two as well, that would be great.
------------------------------------------------------
For those going through this, if you are not struggling in your relationship with God, great! I am so happy for you. If you are struggling maybe prayer and reflection will help you. If you do not believe in God, I respect that and I hope you are able to gather all the strength you need from another source. Whomever is on this journey, keep on fighting! You will make it through! You are not alone.
That is all for now,
I Fight Like a Woman
Yes, no problem. I did reply, I am not sure if you received the reply via e-mail. Please feel free to ask away.
ReplyDeleteMy story is similar to yours, except I am older (47) and did not have the HER+. (I was Progesterone and estrogen positive) It is invasive and it had metastisized to the lymph nodes. I had surgery first, then chemo. I didn't need a port as I only needed four infusions. I have just finished the third. It seems like cancer can't pick a good time...I was newly engaged after being divorced for four years, my kids were up and out, and I was just starting a brand new, happiest life ever. You'll get through this. I will get through this. We will kick cancer's ass. Here is my blog, if you are interested. http://rudelyinterrupted.tumblr.com/
ReplyDeleteTake care, Stephanie (Oh, it's my fiance's google account, hence the bizarre name.